Too Real

For a night of goin out on the town I like to blast a little Robyn. But this jam makes me never want to bag. Robyn punching me in the face with some truth with a delicious beat.

Robyn- Tell Your Girlfriend [listen up]

Hey, I got a coupon.

To my Angelenos, who has seen the flamenco show at El Cid? I am dying to know because it sounds pretty awesome and that's a fucking bargain. FOUR COURSE DINNER?! I've been to the El Cid for some hipster dancing but never knew it was a proper venue for dinner and a show. This makes me ooze with joy.

And when is it OK to bust out a coupon on a date? If ever.

Flamenco Show & Four-Course Dinner

The Interview

Oh my God, I love your skirt! Where did you get it? 

My first week on Chemistry was a success. I had a handful of men who were mutually interested in me and a few I was willing to give a shot. This definitely boosted my confidence in my purchase and my awesome profile.

Because I joined during the holidays it was hard to meet up with people as I was going on vacation and people were spending time with family. Take note of the season and surrounding holidays when joining a dating site. Something I did not really take in to consideration. After about two weeks of quick messaging it was time to meet Jeff. OK I don’t remember his name… which is rather telling, but we’ll call him Jeff.

We met up for coffee one day after work. The location and time was my idea. Why did I pick meeting for coffee? There was some comedian on Comedy Central recently talking about what a horrible idea it is to go out to coffee when meeting someone for the first time and I have to admit it’s not the most ideal scenario. Unless of course you’re a coffee aficionado or truly love coffee. It was just something I had seen on TV and in those picture shows so many times it was ingrained in my head that that is what you do.

I picked a locally owned coffee shop because he’s from the Midwest and I assumed he would appreciate something local. I felt a Starbucks wouldn’t have quite the romantic quality. In any event, I arrive punctually and spot him ordering his beverage at the counter. I could only see the back of him but I was immediately turned off by his choice in pants, shoes, and jacket. I told myself to knock it off and waited for him to turn around.

“Hey, Jeff?”

I then stuck my hand out for a handshake. I think from there on it was downhill. Handshake? Is that a proper gesture for a first time meeting/date? I am not good with these things but I have a tendency to make the first move so as to get it over with. Like ripping off a Band-Aid but not really knowing if the wound is healed enough to warrant the Band-Aid coming off. Too soon. It wasn’t even a flirtatious handshake it was a firm lets do this handshake. As if we had engaged in some sort of game.

I order a latte. Why the fuck did I order a latte at 6pm at night? I am sensitive to the effects of caffeine and have no business ordering coffee past 3pm unless I have some shit to do. He ordered a small ice tea. We paid separately and it’s safe to say if you want to avoid the “who pays?” dance go get coffee. You can arrive a few minutes prior to meeting, order your bevie and let them take care of their own. One of the few positives to the coffee meet up.

We awkwardly shuffled between tables before settling on one near the front giving me perfect view of the entire shop. If I got bored I could at least look at everyone else enjoying their evening. 

Now begins the interview. A sleuth of questions trying to get to know each other. For the record, I was up beat, smiling and putting on a good face and seeming sincere. I asked a majority of the questions. Digging as deep as I could to find SOMETHING to relate to. You know what I finally landed on? A station wagon. He owned a station wagon. I want to own a station wagon (stop your judgment). That’s it?! Station wagons?! We both lit up when we could finally relate. But I know very little about station wagons other than I want to own one so the light didn’t flicker for very long.

How did I end up in this situation? For starters our messages on Chemistry were very brief and we kept things on the surface. We never found something all that relatable in our messaging that we could then bring to the table at the coffee shop. I never considered this a red flag as I have had great conversations upon meeting new people.

The second, he’s an engineer and I’m in creative. Our brains work very differently. He answered the questions and talked to detail about his interests. I would chime in with a few of my interests. The way we spoke about our respective lives just did not sync whatsoever. Even when talking about the same things. Say hiking for instance, but what he favored and what I favored in hiking were completely different.

After an hour of this I decided it was enough. Yea, an HOUR. Luckily I had previously informed him of my very strict workout schedule I maintain and had a go to response to leave. But then as we walked outside and I gave him a hug I kept saying over and over again “It was really great to finally meet you.” Since when to I turn into a compulsive liar? I was so uncomfortable with the goodbye and I didn’t have the heart to say, “This wasn’t all that enjoyable but you’re a nice guy. Have a good life and good luck finding someone.” What does one say?! I didn’t wish him any ill will and he really was a nice guy we just weren’t compatible at all. Not one ounce of compatibility. I even told him, “Give me a call or a text sometime if you’re free.” WORD VOMIT.

He never did call or text. The guy was probably just as miserable as I was but like me kept a good face for courtesy. I would kill to find out what he told his friends. My first words describing the date are, “He wore cargo pants.” Because my friends are hilarious bitches who get a kick out of the small details.

So upon reflection, maybe it wasn’t the coffee shop’s fault. It was our fault for not forging some sort of REAL conversation via email. 

Setting Up Shop

When I came to the conclusion I should/need to commit myself to baggin’ dates I immediately registered on Chemistry.com. It all happened so fast. A $100 commitment for three months.

This shit is real.

And yea, I thought membership was paid monthly. December was a tight month (I apologize for the delayed reporting).

Me, “So ummm can you cash my check after payday?”

Him, “I guess. I would prefer to cash now. What’s your situation?”

“I just made an impromptu investment.”

“On what?”

“Ummmm Chemistry.com. Heh heh. I’ll take you out for a drink to make up for it. Maybe even a date?”

MORTIFYING. But, the new me was able to turn it into a bagged date. And yea, I know it’s a sad state of affairs that I don’t have enough cushion for $100. Don’t tell Suze Orman, I can see her shouting to me “Denied! You can’t afford it!”

A couple years back I had dabbled in Match.com and JDate with little success. There are many factors to attribute to the fact I didn’t have a great experience. Lets stroll down memory lane...

1. I’m not Jewish.

This poses a problem when using JDate. This is the premier way to bag a date with a Jew on the internet. I’m always shocked when people have not heard of JDate. I had a friend snag a photo of their billboards in NYC. They mean business and are huge hits in metropolitan areas. I love the Jewish culture and have an attraction for their men so naturally I signed up. Shiksah Lily at your service.

On your profile there is an option to share your faith. I selected “Will tell you later.” Later would come and nothing horrific happened when I dropped the Gentile bomb but it also never lead to anything of substance. Over time I felt like I was encroaching on a space that I did not belong. For more on JDate I recommend this article from Jewlicious, JDate? Let Me Count the Ways. 

2. It’s a zoo out there.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I didn’t like Match. Then these words of genius were shared to me, “Match.com is like a zoo.” A ha! That’s it! Pages and pages of people! Weeding through guy after guy, deciding to wink or not to wink. Not to mention I can’t wink so the process of virtually winking felt ridiculous. What if I meet them and they think I can wink and then think I’m a total fraud?! WHAT IF?! Nerves were already running I didn’t need an additional stress. JDate is not as daunting at Match considering they have less volume and I was able to limit my search to Reform Jews. But they both have the similar format of browsing through what feel like endless profiles.

I attribute this setup to the reputation Match has developed as the smoosh site. To be fair this could just be in my circle of friends. I have not done a research study on this but I’ll go with it. So many people at your disposal fingertips it’s an easy game to get caught up in.

3. I was too young for online dating.

I was fresh out of college and had not fully come into my independent ladyself that I am today. I wasn’t a social invalid but going on blind dates was not something I had experience in. I was new to the professional world and figuring out how to live outside of the college life. I needed time to figure out me and build my own life before brining someone in.

I am more than half way into my three months with Chemistry and it’s going alright. Don’t worry details coming. I receive about ten matches a day. 90% of which I click “Not Interested” (again no formal research to support this). However, I am not overwhelmed and I meet my dates with confidence. OK there are still some nerves but I have much more to talk about and sound a lot more awesome than previously. 

So before setting up shop on the internet consider my previous mistakes. And I welcome the rebuttal to number two. Perhaps a regional issue? Maybe my friends attract sluts? Doubtful but worth a conversation.

And for the record, I will never join eHarmony. Lesbians and gays excluded? I say, “Oh hell NO!”  

Preface: Year of the Smoosh

Did you smoosh?
-JWOWW

The now infamous Jersey Shore cast fist pumped its “guido-isms”, bedazzled flashy/trashy style, and fake tans so deeply into our [Pop] Culture this year, that I figured there was no better way to begin my reflection on 2010 than with a Jersey Shore lexicon. I’m not ashamed to admit that I watch Jersey Shore, nor that I have a girl crush on JWOWW and would consider stalking Pauly D’s whole life.

Last year, thanks to our favorite guidos/guidettes, America learned what the “smoosh” was, and I personally have declared that I have reached my quota of “smooshing”. To put it simply, “smooshing” is the act of hooking up. In season two of Jersey Shore we learn smooshing or hooking up is vaguely defined and conveniently so.

Just as most of us throw around the term “hooking up” loosely, Angelina, the most detested slutbag of a roommate, explains that a “smoosh” can be interpreted anywhere from making out to having sex. This vague interpretation worked in her favor after smooshing when maybe she shouldn’t have been (i.e. sleeping around with her roommates/getting Snooki’s sloopy seconds when she has a boyfriend). When I tell my girlfriends and gay boyfriends that I “smooshed”, about twenty minutes later, without fail, I’ll need to go into some sort of detail of what the smoosh actually entailed. There is safety in the terms “smoosh” and “hook up” because depending on who the listening party is, if alcohol was involved, and how hot (or ugly) the other party was – we can leave certain details up to the imagination.

On that note and in the favor of taste - I’ll leave it up to your imagination how far each of my smooshes went and at what rate they occurred throughout the year. I would give you a conservative/liberal scale but inevitably each reader would define that differently. Lets just say no trips to Planned Parenthood were needed (although I am a full supporter of PP!) and I can count the men on two hands. Some would complain that that’s one hand too many, and others would say I need to liberate myself. Well, this is me and I’m throwing in the towel.

I’m not the first woman and I won’t be the last to have this sudden change of course. I blame my astrological sign and the incessant viewing of the Little Mermaid as a child for my yearning desire to find my Prince charming. Each time a boy would look my way in class, talk to me during flip cup or make out with me in the bar I was convinced he was going to call me the next day, we would flirt text for a week, he would then ask me out and, he would fall madly for my charm, my mermaid tail would grow to legs, and we would live happily ever after. Wait, what? By the end of college I chilled out and realized that was flawed, if not clinically insane, thinking. In turn, I started hooking up without any expectations and it was damn fun. And now at the ripe age of 2[x] I have become bored by meaningless smooshes and acknowledge my need for partnership. I remind myself that like smooshing a date does not guarantee partnership. However, I am convinced baggin dates is a much more secure strategy.

For one year I commit myself to no hooking up, no smooshing. (Unless JWOWW calls)

On New Years Eve in a drunken text exchange I told my dear friend “365 days of not smooshing lily gon be cranky” which prompted her to say “not until commitment??” (The “C” word if you will) Commitment also being somewhat of a loose term I realized. Where will the line be drawn? When can I let the smoosh out of the gate? I need to determine when hooking up/smooshing is no longer considered just hooking up/smooshing. Hopped up on rice krispie treats and bourbon, my immediate yet clouded reaction was “limit is second base!” But that didn’t quite make sense. Do I really need to define the level of commitment associated with each base in the fast paced game of hooking up? I don’t think that’s easy to define at this time, but I can put some broad guidelines out for now. No sex until I can say “Hi nice to meet you. Did you meet my boyfriend, Mr. Charming?” As the blog progresses so will my conclusions on this matter. Stay tuned.

I have no grand scheme for the blog other than to learn more about myself as an independent 20-something on the dating scene. I’m a novice player and intend to share my humilities throughout the process. I hope to make you laugh and provide you with at least one tip for your potential year-of-dating-playbook. I look forward to sharing this year with you.